Why are other drivers such awful drivers?

 Do you ever feel like you're the only good driver on the road? Do you ever wonder where everybody else developed such poor driving skills?

This is not another of Zyzmog's Laws of Motion, but rather an expansion on someone else's law.

Most drivers are not bad drivers. They just don't drive the way you do, or the way you expect them to.

To paraphrase the late comedian George Carlin:

There are two kinds of drivers on the road: morons and jerks. A moron is anybody who drives slower than you. A jerk is anybody who drives faster than you.

It's worth noting that all the morons think you're a jerk, and all the jerks think you're a moron.

Carlin's observation can be extended to cover any other aspect of driving.

The logical conclusion of all of this is that everybody thinks they're the only good driver on the road, when in reality we're all terrible drivers in someone's eyes.

In case you're interested in Zyzmog's Laws of Motion:

• the original three Laws of Motion
• the Fourth Law of Motion
• the Fifth Law of Motion
• the Sixth Law of Motion

Zyzmog's Sixth Law of Motion

 I didn't think it would be possible, but I have to add another law to Zyzmog's Laws of Motion.

Zyzmog's Sixth Law of Motion, or the "Drive Friendly" Rule

Everybody on the road is just trying to get somewhere.

That's it. Just one sentence. I've reflected on this as I've dealt with traffic on interstate highways, two-lane county roads, and city streets. Everybody's just trying to get somewhere. It's not a competition or a battle. It's just people trying to get from Point A to Point B. 

Some of them are running late, some are about to have a baby and are racing to the hospital, some have a lot of other heavy stuff on their minds. 

Some are new drivers, some are nervous drivers, and yes, some are impatient drivers.

None of them drive the same way you drive. None of them want to drive the same speed as you, either. 

But they're all just trying to get from one place to another, and none of them deserve to be centered in the crosshairs of your Acme Mobile Flamethrower. Just give 'em a break. And give them an assist, if you can -- open up a spot for them to merge, for example.

You won't lose anything but your high blood pressure, and you will make the world a better place.

Zyzmog's Fifth Law of Motion (proposed)

I've come up with a fifth Law of Motion. I'm still trying to find the right words for it. The formal declaration is something like this:

Zyzmog's Fifth Law of Motion
In any disagreement involving the previous Laws of Motion, the first appeal to authority is the victor.

That might be too stuffy for some people to understand. Here are two attempted rewrites:

Zyzmog's Fifth Law of Motion (reduced)
In a traffic altercation involving vehicular contact, aggressive drivers, texting, drunk driving or road rage, whoever calls the cops first is the winner.

Zyzmog's Fifth Law of Motion (final reduction)
(also known as Barela's Law of Forward Motion)
Whoever calls the cops first, wins.

Zyzmog's Fourth Law of Motion

In May 2012, I listed Zyzmog's Three Laws of Motion, and two corollaries to the Second Law of Motion. I have recently discovered a fourth Law of Motion, which is as important - vital, even - as the previous three. The fourth law can be written two different ways. The words are the same, but the word order changes subtly:

Zyzmog's Fourth Law of Motion:

You can only drive your car.

or

Only you can drive your car.

This Law has serious implications that extend beyond the simple act of driving a car, and into the more complicated act of living a life.

Zyzmog's Three Laws of Motion

Newton had his laws of motion, and I have mine. Three laws of vehicular motion, that is, and two corollaries.

Zyzmog's First Law of Motion:
Any car can go fast downhill.

Zyzmog's Second Law of Motion:
You can only go as fast as the car in front of you.

First Corollary to Zyzmog's Second Law:
Always have a bird dog.

Second Corollary to Zyzmog's Second Law:
Never be the bird dog.

Zyzmog's Third Law of Motion:
No two vehicles can occupy the same point in space at the same time.

UPDATE, 5 SEP 2014: I have discovered a Fourth Law of Motion. Go read about it here.

For those who need some clarification, a "bird dog" is a car that goes ahead of you, usually a tiny bit faster than you, to "flush the birdies out of the bushes" - to draw out the speed-limit-enforcement authorities so you don't have to worry about them.

If you have any questions about these Three Laws of Motion, post the question in a comment and I will respond with an answer.