Word Peeve: "Myself" and other reflexive pronouns

I'm here today to talk about the practice of using "myself" instead of "I" or "me".

I'm tempted to blame this one on the officious, pompous, pseudo-authoritarian, petty tyrants on the front lines of the Transportation Security Agency, because I've heard them commit this assault on the English language more than anybody else. But that may not be fair; they may have picked up the practice from other officious, pompous sources.

We need to start by reviewing first, second, and third person, because reflexive pronouns don't make sense unless you understand this simple concept.

Then we need to quickly review subject and object pronouns, followed by reflexive pronouns.

Don't worry; this is a quick and easy read. It will help you avoid sounding like a clod, a boor, a petty tyrant, or a TSA agent.

First, second, and third person

Remember learning about first, second, and third person? What?? You never learned about them?

Okay. Here's a quick review.

First person: "I" and "me"

Imagine you're marooned on a desert island -- not even a volleyball to keep you company. There's only one person on the island. And every time you talk about that person, you use the pronoun "I". 

• "I'm hungry."
• "I need to go to the bathroom."
• "I am all alone."
• "That snake bit me!"

Second person: "You" -- just "you"

Imagine somebody else washes up on the island. Now there are two people. You were there first, so you are the first person. The other castaway got there second, so they are the second person. Every time you talk about that person, you use the pronoun "you".

• "Where did you come from?"
• "Phew! You stink!"
• "Here, let me fix that for you."

Third person: "he/she" and "him/her"

Imagine that yet another castaway washes up on the island. Now there are three people. The newcomer is the third person. When you address the newcomer directly, you use the pronoun "you", just as before. But when you are talking about the newcomer to the second person that showed up, you use the pronoun "he", "she", "him", "her", or "it" as appropriate.

• "Is it even human?"
• "She looks like she's dying of thirst."
• "He has fish bites all over him!"
• "Quick, let's get her out of the sun."

What about when you have to combine them?

When you are talking about more than one person at a time, the order always goes third, then second, then first. This is not a rule of grammar as much as it is a rule of centuries of common courtesy.

• "You and I are gonna have fun together!"
• "He and you both have the same sneakers." (This one has evolved over time, and "You and he both have the same sneakers" sounds less awkward than it used to.)
• "Can he and I go out to play?"

We'll skip plural pronouns for now, like "they", "them", and "us".

Enough about persons. Now let's talk about types of pronouns.

Subject, object and reflexive pronouns

Subject pronouns

Pronouns can be subject pronouns, used as the subject of a sentence. The subject pronouns are: I, you, he, she, it, we, they.

Examples of subject pronouns.

• "Mom, can I go to the store?" 
• "John and I were best friends."
• "You are ugly."
• "He did it!"

Object pronouns

Pronouns can be object pronouns, used as anything except the subject of a sentence. The object pronouns are: me, you, him, her, it, us, them.

Examples of object pronouns:

• "Give the bowl of ramen to her."
• "Jeff punched him in the nose."
• "You don't like me? Sob"
• "The wave washed them out to sea."

Reflexive pronouns

This takes us to reflexive pronouns. Pronouns can be reflexive pronouns, when they reflect back on the person or thing that is the subject of the sentence. The reflexive pronouns are: myself, yourself, himself, herself, itself, ourselves, yourselves, themselves.

Examples of reflexive pronounces:

• "Ouch! I poked myself in the eye!"
• "It's my birthday, so I'm giving this gift to myself."
• "Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself! Heeheehee"
• "Why is Matt saluting himself in the mirror?"
• "And so the wave falls in on itself."

The Criminal Misuse of Reflexive Pronouns

The reflexive pronouns seem to be abused the most by people in positions of supposed authority, such as bureaucratic officials, low-level administrators, and TSA agents at the airport security line. Mostly, but not exclusively, petty tyrants. But they're not the only abusers.

Any use of a reflexive pronoun where the reflexive pronoun does not agree with the subject of the sentence is wrong. Wrong. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

It makes the user sound pompous and stupid.

Examples of abuse of reflexive pronouns, and what to say instead:

Wrong: "Please return all completed forms to myself."

Right: "Please return all completed forms to me."

Wrong: "Myself and my fiancé have known each other for three years."

Right: "My fiancé and I have known each other for three years."

Wrong: "By her actions, she was disrespecting myself and all other veterans."

Right: "By her actions, she was disrespecting me and all other veterans."

Wrong: "I was sick, so she did all the grocery shopping for myself."

Right: "I was sick, so she did all the grocery shopping for me."

Wrong: "Except for myself, nobody was injured."

Right: "Except for me, nobody was injured."

Better: "Nobody was injured, except for me."

Even better: "I was the only one injured."

Do it right. Don't make a fool of yourself.